Y así como ves, estoy viva aun...

As a mother of two, I was extremely blessed to be able to exclusively nurse them for close to two years. Breastfeeding is hard, especially when you lack the support. Luckily, oversupply was my struggle after both of my babies were born. I know for some mother's it is difficult to last more than the first six months, so I do not take that privilege lightly.

Breastfeeding is one of the things I will miss most about my babies being babies. Although nursing around the clock can be exhausting, knowing that I am nourishing them in a way that only I can is one of the highlights of my time as a mother.

I've been thinking a lot about nourishment lately. And I've been comparing my own nourishment to that of a child's in their first few years of life. When we are born one of the first things we do is eat. We have to. We are no longer relying on our mother's body the way we had before, and taking breast or bottle means we survive. And that's the main reason why we eat - to survive.

I was born during a time when famine was no longer a threat. I also do not take this blessing lightly. I have always had food in my belly. My body has never known true starvation. However, it is still wired that when it believes food is scarce, survival mode kicks in.

God created us to thrive. All those years ago, our bodies were formed to be nourished and to be active. The only exception is with our modern technology, abundance of food, and the diet/health market available to us, our original wiring for survival is becoming confused.

I recently decided to give up on dieting, but I can't shake the thoughts that I need to be on a diet. I can't decided what to eat because there are so many "rules" in my head that everything makes me feel guilty regardless. I truly feel like I have forgotten how to eat to live. This is where Intuitive Eating comes in.

It's going to be a long process. It may not occur with extreme weight loss. In fact, weight loss can't be a factor in Intuitive Eating if you truly want it to work. All I know is my relationship with food leaves me feeling undisciplined and overwhelmed. I don't want to continue idolizing food in such a way that I can't go without thinking about what I should eat, or what I can't eat, or what is good or bad.

Food is food. God is God. I am weak, but I'm praying in the following weeks and months I can learn to find comfort in things that can only be consumed through my soul and spirit.

I've started studying up on Intuitive Eating, but while I'm working on losing the diet rules that have been firmly rooted in my mind, I wanted to go back to a time where I was truly happy and excited for living a healthy lifestyle. Years ago when I first started blogging, it was for accountability and for fun. It wasn't to show other people that I have it all together or to influence them. It was purely for me.

And this is a blog for my journey and my experiences. Some may be shared, but others may be only what's best for my body. My focus isn't on trying to fix my flaws. It is on trying to find myself again. To get in touch with that woman who I've buried under years of self-consciousness and shame.

Today I'm having lunch with my mother and I'm going to eat based on what I enjoy and not what I feel is "right." I'm throwing all of the rules out of the window and relearning my needs based on where God guides me since this is the body He created for me.

Creo que empiezo a entender, somos las de la intuición.