Hey there, hi there, ho there! This blog has been spent a long time in the making, and I have been crazy trying to wait for the perfect time to begin again. If there's one thing I've learned over the last four year - yes, I've been wandering in the wilderness like an Israelite for four years now - it's that waiting and wandering gets you nowhere! I've been putting myself on hold because I didn't feel worthy enough to start back. It's insane that I wouldn't try to get back in shape because I looked out of shape and didn't want to embarrass myself. Instead, I just kept crawling farther and farther away from my goals in shame. Well, no more. I'm back and ready to lose it!

I started getting into fitness when I was 13 years old. My mother had Billy Blank's Tae Bo workouts on DVD, as well as Leslie Sansone's walking workouts. I started doing those with her after school. Soon after, Seventeen magazine starting including a fitness section each month, and as a faithful subscriber I took each pull-out routine to heart. It was long after that when I began "borrowing" my sister's Fitness and Shape magazines. I also began bellydancing and incorporating routines as workouts and investing in instructional videos for fun and fitness. By the time I was 15/16 years old, I wasn't working out to lose weight, but to "look good." I was a slim 110 pounds, but the way I viewed myself was not as healthy or beautiful, but as a definite work in progress.

When I began college I was lucky enough to work part-time at the local gym (I also worked at Curves for Women during the summer). Those jobs helped to keep me consistent with my workouts, although I really prefer home workouts to the gym. I did gain around 8 pounds by the time I was 18. However, I was having some hormonal issues that had successfully been resolved by then, so the weight gain was most definitely not a problem, just part of growing up.

By the time I was engaged at 21, I had moved out of the dorms and in with my sister. My fiancé and I had grown accustom to fast food meals between classes and eating dinner at various restaurants. I had ended up gaining more weight than I wanted and ended up at 135 pounds. I wasn't "fat" although I often referred to myself as such. I was uncomfortable in my skin though, and I knew I wanted to lose some weight to feel better and look amazing in my wedding dress. I went on a 5-day diet, the first I had ever gone on, and lost 5 pounds. I continued to monitor what I ate, but mostly stayed consistent and amped up  my workouts. I was around 125 when I got married. And maintained that weight until I fell pregnant with my first child in 2011.

I was 153 pounds the day my son was delivered. By six months postpartum I had only 5 pounds to lose before getting back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but my abs were definitely much softer than they'd ever been before. Around 10 months postpartum my sister and I completed Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred and Ripped in 30 programs. I lost those last five pounds and then some! I felt amazing, but then I started emotional eating and bingeing. I had suffered an early miscarriage and was dealing with self-confidence and self-worth issues that began growing out of hand.

Before I had the chance to deal with my budding problem, I fell pregnant again. After a healthy pregnancy with my son, I wasn't prepared for the intense morning sickness I felt within the first three months. I couldn't stomach most vegetables, the smell of chicken or turkey, and water made me feel closer to vomiting than anything. The only thing that could settle my stomach was Chik Fil A waffle fries. And I ate there multiple times a week.

Although I was happy to be expecting, I was around 163 when my daughter was delivered, and couldn't wait to start my postpartum journey to get back in shape. It was rough transitioning from a mother on one, to a mother of two, but we found our groove. I should have known something was up when the baby blues tried to linger, but I kept ignoring them, focused on trying to be the perfect mom and wife.

It was over a year after having my daughter when I saw 145 pounds. I was so pleased to be wearing some of my favorite pre-pregnancy clothes again! The winter of 2016 was very rough for our family after my husband had broken his leg and ankle and took several weeks to recover after surgery. Food became my best friend and the addiction to the binge only grew from there. I didn't feel strong enough to break the cycle on my own. Luckily, I'm surrounded by a loving family who helped me to realize that God is my strength, and when I put in the effort and time there's nothing that I'm not capable of.

I have finally sought help for my anxiety and depression. I wish I could go back and tell my OB when I first realized those baby blues lingering around, but there's no point in looking back to feel guilt and regret. I have been talking to my family doctor and I believe her treatment plan is just what I need to help me breakthrough and get back to the Kendra I lost those years ago.

I am going to go back to my roots and take matters into my own hands. I have lived in this body for over 30 years. This body has carried me through some extremely hard years, carried and delivered two babies, and gets to cuddle the most handsome man every night. I am going to start living my life by doing what makes me happy and what brings my heart joy.

When I first started blogging it was to log in my meals and workouts. I enjoyed that so much, but stopped because I started to become embarrassed by what other people may think if they saw that I weighed this, or ate that, or didn't workout like this. No more. Kendra is going to lose the weight, along with the guilt and shame!

I'm ready for my transformation. Can I get an Amen!?